It’s 1:44 am. I’m an idiot – I shouldn’t be awake right now. I needed to go to bed hours ago. But I fell down an ambient/IDM rabbit hole like it was 2010, and truthfully, it was pretty lovely.
Everything feels so fucked up right now. Everything is somehow both in flux and going molassis-slow – a long slog through sticky sand that’s also somehow disappearing from beneath my feet.
Packing to move feels so incredibly bizarre – such a big thing, such a weirdly mundane thing, the world continuing to turn despite also coming to a grinding halt.
Getting in touch with old friends. That’s good. But it also makes me think about old things, years past, makes old feelings bubble to the surface. I wasn’t in the mood for this stuff, I’m still not. And yet, here we are.
Funny how we sometimes turn out closer to our younger selves than the years between – I took a 10 year detour away from androgyny, but I came back around, realized it was right all along. I found the language to describe something that had been lurking deep below the surface for such a long time. Those old photos, the cargo pants and giant band shirts, they were me.
The ones between? The short dresses and low necklines and ponytails? They look like someone else, now. Like an uncomfortable, scared, exhausted human trying so hard to please everyone around them. That’s the person I see in those photos.
I have so much more to say about this. And I’m feeling kind of embarrassed about posting old photos… but then that’s the nice thing about having your very own corner of the internet, outside of social media – no one cares! No sarcasm for once; it’s actually pretty great.
Aaaaaaand now it’s 3:16 am. Why am I like this??
(Re the title: I discovered that most of Tim Hecker’s catalogue is available to order on CD. I am very excited, and soon to have less money.)