I originally started writing this in an Instagram story but it got way too long, and also maybe too personal. It was in response to a post from mattxiv about a firefighter that came out as gay in his obituary. The last slide said, “Why do we have pride? So that no one ever has to come out in their obituary. So that queer people can have peace in life, not just in death.”
It hit me harder than I was expecting, and then I tried to figure out why, and now here we are.
~~~
Definitely had the thought years ago that maybe I could just go through the rest of this life in discomfort.
Like if I had already survived for this long, why rock the boat, why make a selfish decision, why risk alienating the people I love?
But at some point, I realized I was just watching the years tick by, waiting for my time on this planet to end so I could try again. (Apparently, I have a lot faith in reincarnation.)
Not suicidal exactly, but really ambivalent about being here.
I knew top surgery was what I needed way back in 2015 or so, but didn’t think it was for me, didn’t think things were bad enough, didn’t think I deserved to use up those resources – there was definitely someone else who needed it more.
But in retrospect, that was a symptom of the same ambivalence – why bother doing something difficult if I was just waiting for the whole experience of being alive to end anyway? Why go to all the trouble of finding a surgeon, arguing with insurance, spending a whole bunch of money, going through a miserable recovery process, figuring out how to tell everyone? What would be the point?
But now, here, just about a year and three months since surgery, it was so incredibly worth it. It’s like there had been constant low level static in my head since 2007, and suddenly it was just… gone.
Recognizing that static for what it actually was took FOREVER. And then I had to convince myself I was actually worth all this effort.
But there was so much ease waiting on the other side.
Things are definitely not perfect, but the baseline is so much better. Each day I stand a fighting chance of feeling okay, when before there was this unshakeable wrongness baked in to living.