When did I become so complacent, so accommodating, such a helpless thing? Have I always been like this? Was I always so terrified of conflict that I was willing to do anything to keep the peace, even if it meant ignoring what I actually needed?
This seems to be a theme lately. People push and push and push and they expect me to just take it. Because I usually do.
I think I used to be… not like this. I have this fantasy that I used to speak my mind when pushed far enough. But maybe that was only when I was drunk. Maybe I don’t know how to stand up for myself otherwise. Maybe I never learned at all, and instead spent the time I should have been learning drinking and arguing with people and developing a reputation for being an impulsive, obnoxious person. It seems like, without booze, I’m actually neither. But cutting off the catalyst of hard conversations left a vacuum in its place – now I can never tell anyone how I’m really feeling, because I simply don’t know how. I said recently that I feel like I’m back in middle school – people can be shitty to me when they’re having a bad day, because they know I won’t fight back. They can exclude or ditch me without consequence because they know I’ll still be there when they need something.
I don’t know how to fix this.